It’s weird to think that I can remember exactly where I was 10 years ago today. I don’t remember in the morning so much but the afternoon is still very clear. I was in the 5th grade. My dad had just picked me up from school and asked me if I wanted to get boiled peanuts before we went home (they were my favorite). We got them and then went home. I heard my mom talking on the phone, walked into her room, and saw her crying. My 10 year old mind started scrambling thinking of who could be hurt. The person it was would be the last person I’d think.

Her name is Ashley. She was my sister’s best friend and the closest I could be to having a sister who wasn’t actually blood related. Ashley was diabetic and had passed out while driving. It was the first really big loss in my life. I had to deal with death before Ashley but hers was the first that truly impacted my life. She was my person. She would help me with my homework. She would stick up for me when my older sisters would make fun of me. I still remember the last conversation I had with her. She was a better sister than they were at the time. And then she was gone. My 10 year old self didn’t know how to deal with that.

Losing Ashley would have proved a scary time for anyone if I had talked to anyone about it. I remember thinking I wanted to die just so I could be with her again because, at the time, I believed that I would be. I won’t go into detail but there were times, at 10 years old, that I came very close to being gone because I couldn’t deal with losing someone that close to me.

I know this is all very scattered but it’s stuff I try not to think about. Ten years later and I’m 20, going off to college. I’ve made it to the age that Ashley was. I’m doing the things that she was doing. The only thing I can do now is hope that I’ve been half the person she was and that I’ve made her proud. I got the tattoo on my side for a few people but it’s mainly for her. Not a lot of people know that. It’s my daily reminder that life is so short and you need to take full advantage of it. You need to be nice to people. You need to tell people that you love them.

I love you, Ash…and I still miss you like crazy.